


At First I Was Afraid

by Camerahead12, JenSpinner



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Fear, Fear of Death, Feelings, Loneliness, Love, Love Confessions, M/M, Suicide Attempt, Teen Romance, Teenagers, This work is Grammarly checked, runaway together
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-24
Updated: 2018-02-24
Packaged: 2019-03-23 13:07:23
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,096
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13788378
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Camerahead12/pseuds/Camerahead12, https://archiveofourown.org/users/JenSpinner/pseuds/JenSpinner





	At First I Was Afraid

The harsh night air stung his lungs with each deep breath he took. Each step seemed to echo into the darkness as he walked down the familiar street to the house he knew so well. His vision was blurred by heavy tears, that he caught in the sleeve of his thick jumper. His breathing was nasally and thick, he wiped under his nose and then shook his arms out angrily. The feeling of his very blood cooling in his body as he made his way up the path to the front door...

Licking his lips as he reached it. Turning to look back down the street... Should he knock, he could still leave, no one would ever even know he was here... He closed his eyes... If this was his last night on earth... He wanted to see his face, just one last time. Just see him. Taking a deep breath he turned to the door, eyes squeezed shut as he knocked...

He felt the contact of his knuckles hitting the wooden door vibrate through his whole body, how was it - that now, he felt alive, he had been numb to everything for so long.. But now it seemed his body was on fire with feelings, the air on his face, the hammering of his heart in his chest, he could feel everything...

The door opened, and there he stood... Castiel. His face pulling in to a confused frown "Dean?"  

"Hey.." Said Dean giving Castiel a weak smile...

"It's really late," Said Castiel looking at him "What are you doing here?"

'I came to say goodbye' thought Dean to himself "Nothing, I.. er.."

"Are you alright?" Castiel stepped out on to the welcome matt in front of his house, a hand rising to rest on Dean's shoulder, in concern.

"I.." Dean frowned.. why was this suddenly so much harder than he had imagined it to be... "No.. Not really"

"What's wrong?" Asked Castiel tilting his head at Dean "You look really pale, do you want to come in and sit down?"

Dean could feel his chest rising and falling rapidly, he blinked - feeling that familiar sting of tears threatening to betray him. He realized his vision was still blurred... His skin was cold, not just from the cold of the evening.. his hearing seemed to be getting further away...

"No, can you come out?" He asked praying that Castiel would.

"Let me grab a coat" Castiel turned before Dean could speak and walked back into his house, Dean felt faint. Like he was there, but not. He swallowed and discovered his throat was painfully dry, the gross faint aftertaste of a dozen crushed pills, still lingered on his tongue.

'What the fuck am I doing?' He suddenly thought to himself, stumbling down the path away from Castiel's front door to the road at the end of the street. He fell to his knees on the grass and stuck two fingers into his mouth, taking a breath before shoving them hard to the back of his throat... He retched, just as Castiel came running down the street towards him... 

"Dean?! What are you doing?" Castiel froze beside him as Dean retched again "Jesus, are you drunk?"

Dean glared up at Castiel, taking his fingers from his mouth "No, I am not drunk... I.. I took some pills.."

Castiel's eyes widened in shock. "Jesus, Dean... What did you do!" Castiel rubbed Dean's back as Dean stuck his fingers back into his mouth... Retching until he was sick in the grass. He wiped his mouth on the sleeve of his jumper and looked up at Castiel through tear filled eyes.

"What if I'm too late... Fuck. I don't want to die Cas..."

"Is that why you took them?" Asked Castiel quietly "To.. kill yourself?"

Dean didn't answer, he just turned over and slumped down into the grass a bit away from his vomit, he pulled his knees up and rested his forehead against them.

Castiel sat next to Dean, the side away from the sick "Do you think you need to go to the hospital?"

"No, please. My dad... Just... No"

"Okay... Okay. Do you want to stay at my house tonight? I can keep an eye on you, your father would never have to know about this?"

"I.. Yeah.." Said Dean sheepishly.

"Okay," Said Castiel softly "You're going to be ok Dean"

Dean breathed in deeply, looking up and wiping his eyes again "Sorry Cas didn't mean to dump this on you"

"Why did you take the pills, Dean?" Asked Castiel seriously

"I can't... I just can't.." Cried Dean lowering his face again...

"Can't what?"

"I can't lose you Cas"

".." Castiel looked at Dean, understanding on his face "I don't want to leave Dean, you know that right?"

"Yeah"

"This is not the way to deal with that"

"Why not?"

"Don't be fucking stupid. What if it had worked? How was I meant to feel knowing you did this because I am moving away?"

"I love you"

Castiel smiled sadly "I love you too... This isn't fair. But I'm not worth you killing yourself over"

Dean looked up at Castiel "I had no one, nothing before you came here... and if you leave... I will be alone again. I can't do it again Cas, not now I know what its like to have someone... You"

"You really... You," Castiel stuttered, trying to find the words.

"What?"

"You were going to die..." He said finally "You could die"

"At least it wouldn't hurt anymore" Said Dean bitterly as he spat out some sicky aftertaste into the grass...

Castiel's face crumpled with sadness "It would hurt me... If you died"

Dean looked up at Cas, pulling a sheepish uncomfortable face...

Castiel stood up, pulling on Dean's arm "Let's get you a glass of water, you need something in your stomach to actually throw up.."

Dean nodded weakly and allowed Castiel to walk him back to his house, once inside, Cas got Dean a glass of water and then led him to the bathroom and waited until he was convinced Dean had been sick - properly.

"How do you feel?" Asked Castiel

"Stupid" Said Dean

"Well.. you're not wrong there... But I mean physically"

"Better"

"Good," Said Castiel taking a deep breath, he lowered his voice as he spoke his next words... "What if.. What if I didn't have to leave you?"

Dean looked at him hopefully...

"What if.. What if we just run away, run away from our family's and this shitty town. What if... We just leave, right now... Together?"


End file.
